Some soul searching

>> Thursday, November 12, 2009

First off let me say I am sick today. Ucky sinus stuff is giving me a foggy head, so please bear with me.

I started blogging because I wanted to help people. To make a difference. I would love to do that in person, but right now that is not very feasable. The reasons will become obvious as you read on.

In my heart, I have always wanted to DO something GREAT. Not for the sake of being known, but for the sake of knowing that my life meant something, that I had not simply wasted the time God gave me here on this earth. I want to leave a legacy. To be remembered. Not for the sake of being remembered, but, because if you are remembered, you life impacts beyond your own time.

I want to inspire future generations.

But inorder to do something great, you need to have your life in order. Life requires order. Without it, it is impossible to accomplish even the simplest things in life, not to mention the inspiring.

Order is what I lack. The ability to organize the aspects of my life so that I can do ANYTHING beyond struggling. Yet I find it hard to do anything except struggle. I just get my head above the water, and decide to finally try something (cause THIS TIME will be the time I succeed in going beyond the ordinary) and just as I get started, I find myself sinking again.

Case in point: I just got the house clean. And I mean CLEAN (not my normal clean-ish but TRULY clean) and thought "Wonderful, this year I can actually make the Christmas gifts I PLAN TO MAKE (instead of not finishing and having to go buy a gift last minute and then having a half finished item.) So I got started, not making gifts, but attempting to organize the gift supplies, and then I got sick. Then the dishwasher broke. Now the dishes are piling up, the boxes of supplies are still all over my kitchen floor, and I am barely functioning.

If you are Superwoman, blessed with a natural talent for organizing, and propensity toward order and cleansliness, thank God for that gift. Unfortunatelly for me that is not my gift.

I wish it was.

Sometimes I wish I could trade all of my artistic talent just for the ability to keep a clean house, organize my time, set and keep goals, and NOT have the criticism of the "normal" people around me.

{What good is the ability to paint beautiful pictures if you have no where to fit in a studio, can't find your supplies for a messy house, have to spend all your time cleaning just to corral the nonsence, and can't manage your time inorder to fit it into you scedule? (Ha! What scedule?)}

See, there is this woman I am s'posed to be.

Or atleast that I always wanted to be/thought I would be.

We all have seen her... she had ten kids, all well behaved, all well dressed in clothes she made. Their house is always clean. She grows her own food, makes her own bread, manages her husbands finances, homeschools all her children, and still has time to craft, teach sunday school, lead a children's choir and co-ordinate the local homeschool group.

I want to be that woman.

I am even sometimes angry at God that He didn't make me that woman.

Does she REALLY have it all together? Or does she cry over her short comings when no one is watching just like I do? Does she struggle EVERY DAY like I do? Or Did God give me a disproportionate measure of shorcomings.

If so....

WHY?

How is it that I could possibly bring Glory to Him in my current state?

Sometimes it seems cruel that He would make me as I am.

I know that He is not, I TRUST that He is not.

But the feeling of being
unable
to be what I am
supposed
to be
remains.

I believe that the Lord would not make me for something he would not allow me to do.

Yet the sence of failure remains.

Most days, I can push it down, pull my self up by my boot straps, and just push on.

Today it surfaced.

Thanks for listening.


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