Dreams and disappointments.

>> Monday, May 25, 2009

Sometime in our lives, I suppose it happens to all of us. We wake up one morning and realize that we are not who we always thought we would be. And we are not sure we will ever find a way to become that person. For all our trying, for all our wanting, it seems as impossible to obtain as touching the stars in the night sky.

That is where I am.

I have always had this vision of the woman I would be one day. She would be able to manage a family and balance a ministry. She would homeschool her children (all umpteen of them) and still have a clean house and an empty laundry room. She would be pleasantly shaped, but not plump; not too negatively effected by the pregnancies in her life and certainly not impaired with illnesses that would keep her from either pregnancy or the energy to care for her family. She would be the essence of femininity. Not afraid of floral prints, lace and ribbons. A reflection of the days gone by when women were expected to be LADIES. Her home would be her ministry because her home would always be open to others. Bible studies, educational classes, mentoring young women, family gatherings... all these would be her hallmark. She would be a true hostess. A gift from her would be a true work of art because it would be hand made from her heart.

With all my heart I wish I could be this woman.

Some of those dreams have long since died away simply because of reality (umpteen children is not possible because of my PCOD which causes infertility; clean house and always done laundry is simply not practical where I am now for a myriad of reasons). Others remain contrary to what my husband wants for our family. Some are simply lacking because of my own shortcomings and failures.

The most disappointing of all this is that, because my house is not clean and presentable, I am not able to use it as a minstry.

I know that God made me the way I am with purpose and intention.

Sometimes I wonder what that intention was.....


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